—Geronta, when the husband doesn’t live spiritually, what should the wife do?

—Entrust this to Christ and pray that his heart would soften a little. Little by little Christ will descend into his heart and he will begin to be uneasy. As soon as his heart softens a little she can, for example, ask him to drive her to church. She shouldn’t say, “You should come into church too,” but rather, “Could you please take me to church?” If he takes her all the way there, she can then say, “Since we’re here, let’s go inside a minute and light a candle.” In this way, little by little, perhaps he will go a little further.

—Geronta, is the spiritual father of the wife able also to help the husband in some way?

—Sometimes in order to help the husband a spiritual father needs to work spiritually with the wife first. In this way the good in the wife is transmitted to the husband, and if he has a good heart, God will help him to change.

Women are naturally pious. But when a man who is indifferent towards the Church “takes a turn” spiritually, he will proceed unwaveringly in spiritual life and the wife won’t catch up to him. In fact, she may even begin to be jealous of him, not seeing progress in herself. Because of this in such cases I tell the husband to be careful. Since what happens? For as much as the man spiritually advances, he pushes the woman away if she is not living a spiritual life. If the husband says, “It’s getting late, get up, let’s go to church,” she says to him, “Go on yourself! You don’t understand my life! I’ve got a heap of chores to take care of.” Or if the husband says to her, “Hey, you let the vigil lamp go out!”[1] ; or if he goes to light it for her himself, her pride is wounded and she starts yelling, “What, are you going to become a priest? Are you a monk?” Or she may even say, “Why do we even burn that vigil lamp? It would be better to give the oil to some poor person.” From there she’ll move on to Protestant ideas. Afterward she will naturally worry about the excuses she made, but she will also worry about the progress she sees in her husband. In such cases it is better to leave the vigil lamp unlit a thousand times rather than to tell her to light it. Thus, for families to escape dissolution I tell men, “Say to your wife, when you find her at a good time: “If I go to church and pray a little, or make prostrations a little, or read some spiritual book, I don’t do it out of great piety, but only because these things restrain and control me, so that I am not led astray by our shameful society, running off to the bar with friends or something.” When the husband handles the situation this way the woman rejoices. She is able to change and may even pass him spiritually. If he does not handle it this way, however, he’ll crush her. They might even end up divorcing. If the husband wants to help his wife spiritually, he should try to get her connected with a family that lives a spiritual life and a mother with piety, that she may imitate her.

Translation by Fr. Luke Hartung from the book Family Life [in Greek], by Elder Paisios the Athonite, published by the Sacred Hesychastirion of St. John the Evangelist, Souroti, Greece (2002).