Regarding the topic of marital relations Elder Paisios wrote in one of his epistles:

Concerning marital relations of married priests and laity, which you related to me: since the Holy Fathers do not define “how often” [to have marital relations] exactly, we must conclude that it is not defined, for everyone cannot be put into the same mold. The Fathers leave it to the discernment, zeal, spiritual sensitivity and strength of each person. That I may be more easily understood, I will share instances of spiritual warriors—again, married priests and laymen—whom I have known.

Among them there are those who came together after their marriage and had one, two, or three children, and afterward lived in chastity. Others come together once a year for childbearing, but otherwise live as brother and sister. Some abstain only during fasting periods; and others are not able to attain even this. I also know some who come together once in the middle of the week, so as to be three days before and after Holy Communion. Some stumble over even this, for which reason Christ’s first word when He appeared to the Apostles after His Resurrection was, “As the Father has sent me, even so I send you . . . Receive ye the Holy Spirit: Whosoever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained”. [1]

The aim is to battle [against the lust of the flesh] with discernment and zeal according to one’s spiritual strength. In the beginning, youth naturally does not help in the battle; but as the years pass and the flesh begins to wear down, one’s spirit is able to rise up, giving married couples a little taste of the divine pleasures. In other words, they begin physiologically to withdraw from the fleshly pleasures, seeing them more and more as worthless. Thus, even married couples, in a way, “make amends” and arrive at Paradise upon the restful path after many twists and turns. [2] The monastics, however, climb sheer cliffs and scale boulders to ascend to Paradise.

You must keep in mind that, according to the Apostle Paul, the issue of relations is not for you to determine on your own, but rather “with consent” [of your spouse]. Even when mutual consent happens, caution is required. The stronger must take the position of the weaker. Many times, so that the one does not sadden the other, he or she will consent, but inwardly they are afflicted. This happens particularly with women who have little fear of God and rather “lively” flesh.

Due to a lack of discernment, certain pious men, hearing that their wives [agree with their desire to abstain], proceed indiscriminately into long periods of abstinence, causing their wives to suffer great anxiety. Such a husband thinks that his wife has moved on to virtue and wants to live a more pure life for greater periods. However, temptation often comes to her to have a male friend; and when this happens, her conscience is pricked.

These husbands, perceiving that their wives ostensibly do not have desire [for relations], redouble their abstinence. They think in this way that they have advanced more spiritually, even to the point of no longer desiring such things of the flesh. The cause naturally is both the wife’s justifiable self-centeredness and jealousy, feeling she is to blame. When she sees the husband wanting to live a more spiritual life, the wife puts pressure on herself to rise to the occasion.

Both spouses having a similar constitution has great significance in the matter. When it happens that one is milder while the other lively, a sacrifice must be made on the part of the stronger towards the more ailing. This way, little-by-little, in helping the ailing to gain control of their health, with health the two will advance together. [3]

Forgive me for going off on a rabbit trail, for the work of a monk is the prayer rope, not these matters. But so as not to sadden you, I write out of necessity a few of those things—which I “know from afar”—which burden our brethren in the world and give place to the enemy.

Translation by Fr. Luke Hartung from the book Family Life [in Greek], by Elder Paisios the Athonite, published by the Sacred Hesychastirion of St. John the Evangelist, Souroti, Greece (2002).